Warning: Emotions Ahead

[blodeuedd]

Every once in a while, my usual cheerful, even-tempered state of being is interrupted by pesky emotions, and what better place to vent them than good ol' el-jay?


For a long time -- at least a couple of years in secondary school, which is an eternity at that age -- my favourite song was R.E.M.'s Everybody Hurts. I feel this should be playing right now.

I don't tend to frighten easily, and I don't usually feel overwhelmed by my emotions, but sometimes things well up. When I start thinking about the direction I'm going in, and how much of it is me drifting along with whatever comes my way, and how much of it is me going after what I want, and are those two things currently in the proportions they should be? (Sorry, I don't think that last sentence made much sense...) I'm not feeling helpless, exactly, because I know that I can make any necessary changes in my situation, it's just that I don't know which direction I should be going in.

This evening I went on another date with Karaoke Guy (who will now be known as KG, because while his initial is K, that letter has already been assigned to someone else), and the conversation came 'round to why I hadn't dated any Japanese guys, since I'd been in Japan for a while. I told him the story of G and the Failed Marriage, to which he was appropriately sympathetic. It didn't dampen my mood, exactly, it just made me feel... I don't know, more vulnerable? And if there's one thing I hate... *insert "I'm of the kind who hates showing weakness" apologia here* I'd like to think that I can tell the difference between feeling that I just want a casual relationship because I know he's not the love of my life, and subconsciously dismissing outright the possibility of something serious just because I'm afraid of being hurt again, but I've been wrong before.

I guess I'm just feeling conflicted about the whole thing. On one hand, I feel as though I'm just using him as my coming out -- coming out of hibernation, not the closet, obviously, because he's of the wrong gender for that -- affair and I don't want this to become too serious; on the other hand, it has to be someone, eh? And if he wants to take me out to dinner and tell me I'm pretty and be generally really sweet, is it so wrong of me to want some affection? *thinking too much about this*

It just felt really nice to be walking through the Christmas lights in Shinjuku, holding hands. There was a little illuminated gazebo that changed colour, so we went up to investigate why couples were lining up in front: there was a "fortune telling machine", where you have to push two buttons simultaneously and whatever colour comes up reveals your future. We got red, which apparently means passionate times ahead! O_O The other couples laughed along with us. :3

During dinner, we were talking about movies and he mentioned both Brokeback Mountain and Farewell My Concubine as movies he really likes. Then, "I'm not gay, but... Hmm, I guess I enjoy gay-themed movies!" I was sorely tempted to ask him if he'd seen this AWESOME movie called Boys Love! XDDD

All right, I've managed to cheer myself up in time for bed.

In other news, the test went swimmingly, though I stupidly changed one of my answers to an incorrect one. I feel especially bone-headed about this, because I've told how many students to follow their first instinct?

Comments

[tayles.livejournal.com]

Meh. For me, personally, the theatre edition was only worth it for the .5 seconds of Baba Toru looking HOT. The rest was really rather dull.

Which might be better if his tastes run more towards Brokeback and not, say, gay porn XDDD